Who am I?

Sometimes, it is extremely to see the good in things. Right now, I'm struggling. I feel as if I took everything good in my life and accidentally dropped and broke everything. I need a glimmer of sunshine. A laugh, or a good conversation- it doesn't matter. Good music can only do so much. Shopping will not get rid of sadness. It just doesn't. The only thing you can do is snap out of it. It is not worth wasting precious time being sad. You can not control everything, so don't expect that you can.

"It is as if I had suddenly fallen into a deep whirlpool; I am so tossed about that I can neither touch bottom with my foot, nor swim up to the top"

Wherever I Go

Wherever I go,
Whatever I do,
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
Wherever you go,
Wherever you are,
I watch your life play out in pictures from afar.

Wherever I go,
Whatever I do,
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
Wherever you go,
Wherever you are,
I watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar.

the truth

If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be my complete lack of faith in others.

I have gotten to the point that when someone does something to break my trust or let me down, I am not even surprised by it. People make mistakes- all the time. Why have high expectations when you are just going to be let down? Isn't it better to expect the worst and be happy when it all somehow works out?

I wish I didn't think this way, but I do. I expect that all relationships are just going to end in heartbreak so why even bother having one. Friends are just going to betray you, so why open up about anything?

I honestly feel that most people are too wrapped up in their own life to truly care about anyone else's problems. For this reason I have a hard time opening up about things that are bothering me. I don't think that anyone truly cares and that I shouldn't waste my time complaining about things that probably seem trivial in their minds.

What a sad outlook on life.

Reading minds

Sometimes I wish I could read minds. I hate sitting around wondering what people think and why they do the things they do. Even after coming up with a reason why, I never really know.

Why do friends stab you in the back? And when this person you trusted does this, should you forgive them right away? Should you hold back and watch what you do and say? If I have to censor myself around this person, are we really that great of friends?

I have no idea. Probably never will.

Never let fear hold you back

I miss singing.

Okay, turn on a song, and sing then. Easy solution? Maybe, but not exactly what I'm looking for.

Imagine this, an entire auditorium echoing with the notes and beauty of a choir. I want that. I want Eric Whitacre. I want beautiful melodies, the voice parts, learning new music, and of course performance.

High school I did exactly that. I devoted all of my years at Indian Valley High School to choir. I loved it, although at the time I complained and acted as though it was just something I did out of habit. I could not have been more wrong. I want those days back. I want Mrs. Morgan standing behind the piano with her infamous look that could make me nervous instantly, waiting to hear me sing a difficult piece of music. I want the butterflies of singing in front of her and nailing the sixteenth notes I had practiced for hours. I want the long practices on Saturdays preparing music for performances. I want the warmth of the lights on stage performing the music we learned together as a choir for months. I want it all.

College has been a time to figure out who I am, and more importantly who I want to become. Deep introspection into my innermost hopes and desires has left me feeling somewhat lost because I gave up one part of my life that shaped so much of who I have become thus far: choir. At the start of freshman year, there was an expectation that I would try out for one of Penn State's numerous choirs. I didn't. I thought I didn't have the time to devote. Looking back now, I realize the real reason I didn't audition.

I was scared. The thought of rejection at this huge school terrified me. I figured I had no shot making these incredible choirs so what was the point of even trying. What a huge mistake. Even if I had not made any of the groups, I wish I would have taken the leap. Who knows what would have happened, or where I would be now.

What I learned from this is to always go for what you want.

Never let fear hold you back.

Uncertainty is scary, trust me I know. But isn't a little disappointment better than a lifetime of wondering what if. I do not want any more "what if's" in my life. Life is about getting your hopes crushed, but its also about the times when hopes and dreams become reality.

My job for you: Next time you feel scared to act on something, DO IT. Go for it. What do you have to lose, other than the uncertainty that will eat away at your well being.

5 months later

Its been a long time since I last wrote on here..

So its five months later and where am I?

a. At Penn State

b. Working at Barefoot selling shoes!

c. A little lost and confused

d. All of the above

The right answer: d.

Starting out here at Penn State, I thought I had everything figured out about myself and my future. Five months later, I have realized I was all wrong. I chose the wrong school. I have the wrong friends. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'm not optimistic anymore. I don't wear my dresses. I am not myself.

What happened to me?

An easy answer... College happened. I changed. The problem is, I don't like the change. Since I can't simply go back in time, I guess my only solution at the time is to change back into who I want to be. I need to be myself, despite what others think.

My first inspirational quote in five months:

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."