the truth

If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be my complete lack of faith in others.

I have gotten to the point that when someone does something to break my trust or let me down, I am not even surprised by it. People make mistakes- all the time. Why have high expectations when you are just going to be let down? Isn't it better to expect the worst and be happy when it all somehow works out?

I wish I didn't think this way, but I do. I expect that all relationships are just going to end in heartbreak so why even bother having one. Friends are just going to betray you, so why open up about anything?

I honestly feel that most people are too wrapped up in their own life to truly care about anyone else's problems. For this reason I have a hard time opening up about things that are bothering me. I don't think that anyone truly cares and that I shouldn't waste my time complaining about things that probably seem trivial in their minds.

What a sad outlook on life.

Reading minds

Sometimes I wish I could read minds. I hate sitting around wondering what people think and why they do the things they do. Even after coming up with a reason why, I never really know.

Why do friends stab you in the back? And when this person you trusted does this, should you forgive them right away? Should you hold back and watch what you do and say? If I have to censor myself around this person, are we really that great of friends?

I have no idea. Probably never will.

Never let fear hold you back

I miss singing.

Okay, turn on a song, and sing then. Easy solution? Maybe, but not exactly what I'm looking for.

Imagine this, an entire auditorium echoing with the notes and beauty of a choir. I want that. I want Eric Whitacre. I want beautiful melodies, the voice parts, learning new music, and of course performance.

High school I did exactly that. I devoted all of my years at Indian Valley High School to choir. I loved it, although at the time I complained and acted as though it was just something I did out of habit. I could not have been more wrong. I want those days back. I want Mrs. Morgan standing behind the piano with her infamous look that could make me nervous instantly, waiting to hear me sing a difficult piece of music. I want the butterflies of singing in front of her and nailing the sixteenth notes I had practiced for hours. I want the long practices on Saturdays preparing music for performances. I want the warmth of the lights on stage performing the music we learned together as a choir for months. I want it all.

College has been a time to figure out who I am, and more importantly who I want to become. Deep introspection into my innermost hopes and desires has left me feeling somewhat lost because I gave up one part of my life that shaped so much of who I have become thus far: choir. At the start of freshman year, there was an expectation that I would try out for one of Penn State's numerous choirs. I didn't. I thought I didn't have the time to devote. Looking back now, I realize the real reason I didn't audition.

I was scared. The thought of rejection at this huge school terrified me. I figured I had no shot making these incredible choirs so what was the point of even trying. What a huge mistake. Even if I had not made any of the groups, I wish I would have taken the leap. Who knows what would have happened, or where I would be now.

What I learned from this is to always go for what you want.

Never let fear hold you back.

Uncertainty is scary, trust me I know. But isn't a little disappointment better than a lifetime of wondering what if. I do not want any more "what if's" in my life. Life is about getting your hopes crushed, but its also about the times when hopes and dreams become reality.

My job for you: Next time you feel scared to act on something, DO IT. Go for it. What do you have to lose, other than the uncertainty that will eat away at your well being.

5 months later

Its been a long time since I last wrote on here..

So its five months later and where am I?

a. At Penn State

b. Working at Barefoot selling shoes!

c. A little lost and confused

d. All of the above

The right answer: d.

Starting out here at Penn State, I thought I had everything figured out about myself and my future. Five months later, I have realized I was all wrong. I chose the wrong school. I have the wrong friends. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'm not optimistic anymore. I don't wear my dresses. I am not myself.

What happened to me?

An easy answer... College happened. I changed. The problem is, I don't like the change. Since I can't simply go back in time, I guess my only solution at the time is to change back into who I want to be. I need to be myself, despite what others think.

My first inspirational quote in five months:

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

Edge of Desire

Young and full of running,
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinity.

Love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me.
For all of my trying
we still end up dying;
how can it be?

Don't say a word; just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running
all the way to the edge of desire.
Steady my breathing, silently screaming
I have to have you now.

Wired and I'm tired;
think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.
Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis
and find me on yours.

Don't say a word;just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.

Don't say a word;just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it;I'm scared you'll forget about me.

John Mayer

I went and saw this guy in concert and I just have to say wow! What a great concert. He was even better live than on his cd's and just overall extremely fun to watch. I wish I could go again. It was really that good, I swear.

Not only that, but he is so good looking. But not in your stereotypical hollywood guy way, in a musician has a soul and personality way to him. Oh how I wish i could marry this guy. Not really because he's a little old for me.. but someone like him? Sign me right up.

Influences

Audrey Hepburn, the sound of Imogen Heap music, beautiful clothing-- those are the things that influence me. I stray from the teen norm of drugs and alcohol.

Why? One, they make you look ridiculous. How many times have you seen a drunken mess? Not exactly the most classy behavior. I try my best to be classy, and why put myself down a notch when I can easily avoid alcohol.

The taste. Oh my. There is not much that is more disgusting than the taste of liquor. If it tastes horrible, shouldn't that be a sign that it is probably not good to ingest.

Calories. Alcohol is so high in calories. Especially those fruity drinks that try to disguise the taste of alcohol. I try to keep my calorie intake low so why add this to everything else I eat. Drinking makes you gain weight. End of story. I love clothes so I am not going to get too fat to wear my clothes.

Other drugs. Wow, saying the word drug just sounds dirty. Once again, the whole classy behavior is a major factor. Doing drugs is not classy and never will be. Smoke coming out of your mouth looks gross and totally un-natural.

The smell. It smells awful. I hate being in the house of a smoker. Just being in the house temporarily leaves me feeling dirty. No thank you!

Behavior. A lot of people say that using drugs makes them more fun, more focused and more intelligent. These are all lies. At the sound of this idea, immediately tell the person that they are wrong. So so wrong.

My point.

I am living life happily without this stuff, and so should everyone else. Yeah, I know, very unlikely, but a good thought. There are so many great people out there that are letting drugs and alcohol take away their dreams and potential. Wasted talent is one of life's greatest tragedies so never let the wrong influences take over your life.