the truth

If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be my complete lack of faith in others.

I have gotten to the point that when someone does something to break my trust or let me down, I am not even surprised by it. People make mistakes- all the time. Why have high expectations when you are just going to be let down? Isn't it better to expect the worst and be happy when it all somehow works out?

I wish I didn't think this way, but I do. I expect that all relationships are just going to end in heartbreak so why even bother having one. Friends are just going to betray you, so why open up about anything?

I honestly feel that most people are too wrapped up in their own life to truly care about anyone else's problems. For this reason I have a hard time opening up about things that are bothering me. I don't think that anyone truly cares and that I shouldn't waste my time complaining about things that probably seem trivial in their minds.

What a sad outlook on life.

Reading minds

Sometimes I wish I could read minds. I hate sitting around wondering what people think and why they do the things they do. Even after coming up with a reason why, I never really know.

Why do friends stab you in the back? And when this person you trusted does this, should you forgive them right away? Should you hold back and watch what you do and say? If I have to censor myself around this person, are we really that great of friends?

I have no idea. Probably never will.

Never let fear hold you back

I miss singing.

Okay, turn on a song, and sing then. Easy solution? Maybe, but not exactly what I'm looking for.

Imagine this, an entire auditorium echoing with the notes and beauty of a choir. I want that. I want Eric Whitacre. I want beautiful melodies, the voice parts, learning new music, and of course performance.

High school I did exactly that. I devoted all of my years at Indian Valley High School to choir. I loved it, although at the time I complained and acted as though it was just something I did out of habit. I could not have been more wrong. I want those days back. I want Mrs. Morgan standing behind the piano with her infamous look that could make me nervous instantly, waiting to hear me sing a difficult piece of music. I want the butterflies of singing in front of her and nailing the sixteenth notes I had practiced for hours. I want the long practices on Saturdays preparing music for performances. I want the warmth of the lights on stage performing the music we learned together as a choir for months. I want it all.

College has been a time to figure out who I am, and more importantly who I want to become. Deep introspection into my innermost hopes and desires has left me feeling somewhat lost because I gave up one part of my life that shaped so much of who I have become thus far: choir. At the start of freshman year, there was an expectation that I would try out for one of Penn State's numerous choirs. I didn't. I thought I didn't have the time to devote. Looking back now, I realize the real reason I didn't audition.

I was scared. The thought of rejection at this huge school terrified me. I figured I had no shot making these incredible choirs so what was the point of even trying. What a huge mistake. Even if I had not made any of the groups, I wish I would have taken the leap. Who knows what would have happened, or where I would be now.

What I learned from this is to always go for what you want.

Never let fear hold you back.

Uncertainty is scary, trust me I know. But isn't a little disappointment better than a lifetime of wondering what if. I do not want any more "what if's" in my life. Life is about getting your hopes crushed, but its also about the times when hopes and dreams become reality.

My job for you: Next time you feel scared to act on something, DO IT. Go for it. What do you have to lose, other than the uncertainty that will eat away at your well being.

5 months later

Its been a long time since I last wrote on here..

So its five months later and where am I?

a. At Penn State

b. Working at Barefoot selling shoes!

c. A little lost and confused

d. All of the above

The right answer: d.

Starting out here at Penn State, I thought I had everything figured out about myself and my future. Five months later, I have realized I was all wrong. I chose the wrong school. I have the wrong friends. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'm not optimistic anymore. I don't wear my dresses. I am not myself.

What happened to me?

An easy answer... College happened. I changed. The problem is, I don't like the change. Since I can't simply go back in time, I guess my only solution at the time is to change back into who I want to be. I need to be myself, despite what others think.

My first inspirational quote in five months:

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

Edge of Desire

Young and full of running,
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinity.

Love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me.
For all of my trying
we still end up dying;
how can it be?

Don't say a word; just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running
all the way to the edge of desire.
Steady my breathing, silently screaming
I have to have you now.

Wired and I'm tired;
think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.
Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis
and find me on yours.

Don't say a word;just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it; I'm scared you'll forget about me.

Don't say a word;just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it;I'm scared you'll forget about me.

John Mayer

I went and saw this guy in concert and I just have to say wow! What a great concert. He was even better live than on his cd's and just overall extremely fun to watch. I wish I could go again. It was really that good, I swear.

Not only that, but he is so good looking. But not in your stereotypical hollywood guy way, in a musician has a soul and personality way to him. Oh how I wish i could marry this guy. Not really because he's a little old for me.. but someone like him? Sign me right up.

Influences

Audrey Hepburn, the sound of Imogen Heap music, beautiful clothing-- those are the things that influence me. I stray from the teen norm of drugs and alcohol.

Why? One, they make you look ridiculous. How many times have you seen a drunken mess? Not exactly the most classy behavior. I try my best to be classy, and why put myself down a notch when I can easily avoid alcohol.

The taste. Oh my. There is not much that is more disgusting than the taste of liquor. If it tastes horrible, shouldn't that be a sign that it is probably not good to ingest.

Calories. Alcohol is so high in calories. Especially those fruity drinks that try to disguise the taste of alcohol. I try to keep my calorie intake low so why add this to everything else I eat. Drinking makes you gain weight. End of story. I love clothes so I am not going to get too fat to wear my clothes.

Other drugs. Wow, saying the word drug just sounds dirty. Once again, the whole classy behavior is a major factor. Doing drugs is not classy and never will be. Smoke coming out of your mouth looks gross and totally un-natural.

The smell. It smells awful. I hate being in the house of a smoker. Just being in the house temporarily leaves me feeling dirty. No thank you!

Behavior. A lot of people say that using drugs makes them more fun, more focused and more intelligent. These are all lies. At the sound of this idea, immediately tell the person that they are wrong. So so wrong.

My point.

I am living life happily without this stuff, and so should everyone else. Yeah, I know, very unlikely, but a good thought. There are so many great people out there that are letting drugs and alcohol take away their dreams and potential. Wasted talent is one of life's greatest tragedies so never let the wrong influences take over your life.

More Sunshine

Why

I swear I sometimes like being alone more than I like being with large groups of people.

I just want to sit around, listen to good music and read good books.

I like thinking.

about...

clothes

friends

lyrics

everything

anything.

Basically I like to think about other people. Trying to figure out the intentions of others and their inner emotions. Its pretty time consuming. Just when you think you have someone figured out, guess what, the person does something completely unexpected.

Now you're back to square one. You have no idea why the person did it.

I used to think I wanted to be a Psychiatrist. I love trying to figure out what people are about to do and why they have done certain things. I also really like helping people solve their problems. I wish there was a way to do this without going to college for 3298402398402384082309480 years. Not worth it. I'd rather just be a good friend, so I think I'll stick to that.

Enough ranting...

Savannah

One night Sam and I headed downtown for the night. We had lots of fun and met lots of people like the two guys pictured above with us. Rett and "Street Blood" came up and wanted a picture with us and gave me their numbers so we could all meet up later. It was actually really funny.

My first time getting Chinese! I have to say it was pretty delicious.
Playing in the geysers in Savannah with all the little kids.
Haley and I enjoying shopping downtown in Savannah

The gang hanging out on the sandbar at Tybee Island.
Me, Mikala, and Sam hanging out at the beach.
The gang doing a jump shot.
The sandbar made it possible to stand in the water out by the "Danger of drowning sign" in the ocean. It was pretty crazy.
The gang hanging out on some rocks on the beach.

Today is the day

In about nine hours eight friends and myself are embarking on a road trip to Savannah, Georgia.

High school is over, and summer has begun.

Look back for pictures and stories about the trip.

Last Day of High School

Today is my last full day of high school. Ever.
Am I sad?
Not at all actually, which was unexpected.
I thought I would at least feel a little bit sad.
But no, nothing.

I figure thatI will keep in touch with the people I want to, and the rest won't matter.
Instead of feeling sad about today, I'm excited for Sunday.
After all of the anticipation, we are finally leaving for Savannah!
Our own kind of Senior Week. :)

Ulcers

Okay, so last week, I got an ulcer. No biggie right?
Wrong, that one slowly turned into thirty.
Not exaggerating. Its ridic.
So today I went to the doctors for it and what was the solution?
Nothing! There is no cure for them. It is unknown why you get them, but it is believed that stress is a trigger.
Basically, the end of high school has caused thirty painful ulcers.
Blah!

Meet my new favorite sandal

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn

I'm the only one who's noticed

I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do

Or who I'm supposed to be

I don't want to be anything other than me

Knockoff purses

Purses.

Something used everyday by millions of girls.
"knock off purse" is an immitation of a designer purse.
There is a girl in one of my classes who always talks about how awful knock-off's are and it made me stop to think a little bit.


What if you think about friendships in terms of purses.
At first glance, the knock-off looks perfect, but slowly it starts to fall apart because it is made of lower quality materials.
Many friendships are build upon "bad material" such as a common dislike for someone else, partying, and other bad things. Once you take away making fun of that other person, or the drinking, there is nothing left of the relationships. It slowly falls apart.


On the other hand, those designer purses are very expensive, but they are also less likly to fall apart because they are high quality.
Friendships like these take much more effort to make because you are buliding a relationships on ideas, activities and other interests. These relationships are built with "high quality material" and are more likely to last. This does not mean that it is perfect and unable to fall apart, it is just less likely.



My point: When it comes to your relationships, go designer. Take the extra time and effort to find friends that

Song for Someone

Inside-out, upside-down,

Twisting beside myself.

Stop that now,

'Cause you and I were never meant to meet.

I think you'd better leave.

It's not safe in here.

I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then,

I could keep your number for a rainy day.

That's where this ends.

No mistakes no misbehaving.

I was doing so well.

Could we just be friends?

I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.

Not what I planned at all.

I don't want to feel like this

Yeah.

No it's not meant to be like this.

Not what I planned at all.

I don't want to feel like this.

So that makes it all your fault.

Inside-out, upside-down,

Twisting beside myself.

Stop that now.

You're as close as it gets

Without touching me.

Oh now don't make it harder

Than it already is.

I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.

Not what I planned at all.

I don't want to feel like this.

Yeah.

No it's not meant to be like this.

Not what I planned at all.

I don't want to feel like this.

So that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control.

Primary resistance at a critical low.

on the double gotta get a hold.

Point of no return one second to go.

No response on any level,

Red-alert this vessel's under seige.

Total overload all systems down they've got control.

There's no way out.

We are surrounded.

Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.

Freeze, awake here forever.

I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,

Not what I planned at all.

I don’t want to feel like this.

Yeah.

No it’s not meant to be like this,

It's just what I don't need.

Why make me feel like this?

It's definitely all your fault.

I can't help myself

I'm addicted to a life of material
It's some kind of joke,

I'm obsessively
opposed to the typical
All we care about is,

runway models,

cadillacs
and liquor bottles

Give me something

I wanna be retro glamour,
Hollywood yes we live for the

Fame
Doin' it for the
Fame
Cuz we wanna live the life of the rich and
famous
Fame
Doin' it for the
Fame
Cuz we gotta taste for champagne and endless
fortune

Fame fame baby
The fame fame
We live for the fame fame baby
The fame fame
Isn't it a shame shame baby
A shame shame
In it for the fame fame baby
The fame fame

Can't Take It In

Can't close my eyes
They're wide awake Every hair on my body
has got a thing for this place

Oh empty my heart
I've got to make room for this feeling
so much bigger than me


It couldn't be any more beautiful
I can't take it in.


Weightless in love.
Unravelling
For all that's to come
and all that's ever been
We're back to the board
with every shade under the sun
Let's make it a good one


It couldn't be any more beautiful
I can't take it in

All that I wanted.
All that I ever needed.
All that I wonder.
So beautiful.

New favorite song: "Can't Take it In" by Imogen Heap. I could listen to it over and over. Its just a beautiful song, check it out.

Take charge of your attitude

“The longer I live,

the more I realize

the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude,

to me,

is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past,

the education,

the money,

than circumstances,

than failure,

than successes,

than what other people think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance,

giftedness or skill.

It will make or break a company.

a church.

a home.

The remarkable thing

is we have a choice everyday

regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past.

we cannot change the fact

that people will act in a certain way.

We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do

is play on the one string we have,

and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life

is 10% what happens to me

and 90% of how I react to it.

And so it is with you,

we are in charge of our attitudes.”

Charles R. Swindoll

Say how you feel

“It hurts to love someone

and not be loved in return,

but what is the most painful

is to love someone

and never find the courage
to let the person know how you feel.”

So I found this quote and it really got me thinking. Is this quote true? Is it better to get it out in the open, even if the person does not feel the same? Is it better to get it out and potentially ruin the friendship?

This is a tough question. Personally, I get nervous sharing such things. Any possible rejection stops me from taking such risks. I think of the worst possibility and assume that is what will happen.

But, maybe that is a good way to be. Think about sharing it and think of the worst thing that could happen. If you are okay with that possibility, please share. Get it off your chest. It may turn out better than you dreamed, but keep the possibility of rejection in your mind. Reality is not a cheesy chick flick; professing a crush does not necessarily mean it will work out as it does in your favorite flick. But, that doesn't mean you should be a cynic either. You need to hope the best, but expect the worst.

My point: Life is short, take risks. Go for what you want. This is your chance to get what you want so don't let anything stop you, especially fear.

Cloudy relationships

"True friendship is like sound health;

the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."

Charles Caleb Colton

Clouds.

My inspiration for the day.

When it come to clouds there are two ways ot view them:

1. Bringing bad weather

2. Providing shade from the heat

This is kind of a metaphor for one of my friendships. I have known this one person for four years. Our friendships has been very on and off. Any good times are followed by clouds of despair. I always think of this person as a storm cloud, bringing conflict and stress into my life. All throughout high school, our relationships has been this way. This year, we were on and off as usual, but near the end we had a five month span of not talking. After prom, we got talking again and decided to be friends again. A lot of people think we are just a storm cloud getting ready to go off, but I think we're finally turning into that cloud that brings shade from the sun. Something nice. Something enjoyable.

My point? Even complicated friendships can be resolved. It is worth the effort. Now, I can talk to this friend again. In fact this person made a copy of a new cd I wanted. That is the kind of friendship I always hoped that we could have again. Finally resolution at the end of high school. Finally growing closer instead of growing apart as many other of my relationships have been.

Its refreshing.

Bad decisions

What do you do when you know you made the wrong decision? What do you do when you have all your emotions bottled up?

Deal with the decision. Live your choice. Keep it to yourself if its going to cause trouble. End of story.

Lazy Summer Sounds

“Let us dream of tomorrow

where we can truly love from the soul,

and know love

as the ultimate truth

at the heart of all creation.”

Michael Jackson

Good ol' Michael.. On another note, here's a few songs just to relax and listen to leading up to the lazy days of summer.

• Everybody Wants to Rule the World-Tears for Fears
• Here Comes the Rain Again-Eurythmics
• Something Special-Colbie Calliet
• Bixby Canyon Bridge-Death Cab for Cutie
• Feeling Good-Michael Buble
• If I Could-Jack Johnson
• My Mirror Speaks-Death Cab for Cutie
• Glass of Water-Coldplay
• Breathe-Anna Nalick
• Just A Ride-Jem
• Swoon-Imogen Heap
• Can I Sing You to Sleep-Corey Crowder
• Into Dust-Mazzy Star
• Is this Love-Bob Marley
• Let That Be Enough-Switchfoot
• Champagne Supernova-Oasis

Michael Jackson

“In a world filled with hate,

we must still dare to hope.

In a world filled with anger,

we must still dare to comfort.

In a world filled with despair,

we must still dare to dream.

And in a world filled with distrust,

we must still dare to believe.”

Michael Jackson

I have a thing for Michael Jackson. I know, ever since he died everyone is obsessed, but my obsession started long before his tragic death.

Back in middle school, I remember my best friend at the time, Alaina, and I would always listen to a Jackson 5 cd. Soon after, we started becoming more and more obsessed with Michael. We made t-shirts while he was on trial that said "smooth but not a criminal". That summer of his trial, we were at the beach together with my family. The day the verdict of his trial was to be announced, we were out and about shopping and eating lunch. We realized at luncht aht we might not make it home in time for the verdict so we made everyone finish eating quick so that we could make it back to our beach house in time to hear the news. It was a funny day.

I have accumulated lots of Michael Jackson things over the years. Several t-shirts, pins, books, movies and all of his music. I have done reports on his life several times in school and always enjoy watching specials about him on tv. He was truly one of a kind.

John Mayer

“Sometimes I wish that I was the weather,

you'd bring me up in conversation forever.

And when it rained,

I'd be the talk of the day.”

John Mayer

With only twelve more days of school, its almost impossible not to think about the summer months aheaad. Making all sorts of plans for the nice weather. Along with many other things, I am going to a John Mayer concert with my mom. I actually enjoy John Mayer's music wuite a lot, despite all of the rumors about his personality and what not.

Some favorite John Mayer songs:

• Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
• 83
• Back to You
• Clarity
• Belief
• Bigger Than My Body
• Heartbreak Warfare

and pretty much any other song of his.

Dream, Imagine, Believe

Ten days of school left. I can't believe it.

I remember the first day of school thinking graduation would never come.

Well, its here.

I keep blogging about the end and whatever...

but I am nervous for the future.

Even more so, I am excited.

Excited for new friends,

new adventures,

new places.

Last Spring Concert

Tonight is our high school choir's spring concert. This is the last time I will perform with many friends I have been singing with since sixth grade. Wow, where does all the time go?

Yesterday when our smaller ensemble had our last practice, I got kind of emotional. I starting thinking about everything we have all gone through and realized that it is all coming to an end. As much as I have complained about choir, I will miss it. It has been such a huge part of my life for the past four years so tonight is the end of something special.

My job for myself: Savor the last few moments I have with this special group of people.

We're overrated anyway

doing everything by hours
got a real flare with excuses

meeting someone at the bar
where loose ends still have your sins

it's complicated
this time I think it could be
triangulated
it could be just what we need
so what you say we give it up and walk away
we're overrated anyway

we're kissing without kissing
got it down to a fine art
love's supposed to keep you young & frisky
we grew up and wide apart
not now not ever, no it's never a good time
how will the good times ever roll along
comparing photos that are no longer there
just wondering where it all went

it's complicated
this time I think it could be
triangulated
it could be just what we need
so what you say we give it up and walk away
nothing to salvage anyway

oh, oh, oh none of the above
oh, oh, oh none of the above
oh, oh, oh none of the above
oh, oh, oh

it's complicated
this time I think it could be
triangulated
it could be just what we need
so what you say we give it up and walk away
we're overrated anyway

it's complicated
this time I think it could be
triangulated
it could be just what we need
so what you say we give it up and walk away
nothing to salvage anyway


This is another Imogen Heap I love. It relates to me because I just ended a relationship and basically like the song says, there was no reason to stay together.
"So what you say we give it up and walk away; we're overrated anyway"
That basically sums up the entire relationship. The only reason we were together at the end was because we were going tp prom together. Am I sad about being single? Not even a little bit. I am more happy now than I have been in awhile! :)

My job for you: Regardless of your relationship status, just enjoy spending time with people you love.

Have you got it in you?

It takes a lot to be always on form,

It takes a lot

Or maybe not,

all the time, all I've got

Maybe not

Been one of those days,
Safety first don't push,
what's the hurry?
One nerve remaining,
waiting on one look,
Have you got it?

Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?



All at once,
not a whisper nor word,
Then all at once
(Let me have it all,
Let me have a battle on,
Easy target look can we just
just get it over with?)
It's getting worse,
against all the odds,
It's getting worse

Been one of those days,
Safety first don't push
what's the hurry?
Cause there's one nerve remaining,
waiting on one look,
have you got it?

Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?



Blue, blue, they make me blue
Head down, quick!
Take cover, be good in the move
Blue you, make me anymore blue?
Don't scream, shout
Caught in the light of your suit

Been one of those days,
Safety first don't push,
what's the hurry?
One nerve remaining,
waiting on one look, have you got it?

Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?
Have you got it in you?





I've been listening to a lot of Imogen Heap during Keyboarding everyday and this is one of the songs I've been enjoying. Its called "Have You Got It In You?" Its great. I really like Imogen Heap. I can listen to almost any Imogen Heap song at anytime.

Other good Imogen Heap songs:
Loose Ends
Canvas
Daylight Robbery
Tidal

One kind word

Believe the picture.

Say something nice to someone who looks sad.

It will make them feel better.

Life

Prom

Last night was prom.

Was is the best night of my life? Hardly.

Was it fun? Yeah kind of.

It seems like I can never have an enjoyable prom.

The boyfriend and I broke up and it was rather awful.

It was mutual, but breaking up is not fun.

It makes me feel like I'm going to be alone forever.

Fun stuff, right?

Zack Foundation

"The best index to a person's character

is how a person treats people

who can't do them any good

or can't fight back."

Abigail Van Buren

The Zack Hinish Foundation.

This is something very dear to my heart.

Zack Hinish was five years old when he went to heaven. He was a blessing to all who ever spent any time with him. His big blue eyes and wonderful personality was something that could not be overlooked. From the beginning, Zack had some problems. Normal things, such as walking and talking that are learned at a young age, were not present in Zack. Doctors struggled to diagnose the problem throughout his life. After a few years, seizures appeared.

Seeing this situation made me realize that my aunt Tami and uncle Jeff are my heroes. They are the strongest people that I know. They spent countless hours and even months in hospitals with Zack. They devoted everything that they had to help make Zack's life the best that it could be. They have compassion and kindness that is hard to find in today's society. Many people in their situation would have given up. They fought to find a solution every minute of Zack's life.

Following his death, a foundation was set up by my aunt and uncle to honor Zack's life. Every year there will be a chosen project and funds will be raised to accomplish it. This year it is to make a more accesible playground at the school Zack attended. A yard sale is taking place next weekend to start raising money. After that a Zack Walk will take place, walking to raise money in his honor. The whole foundation is heart touching.

It is heartbreaking that he passed away at such a young age but I think it is wonderful what is being done to honor his life.

Pre Prom Prep

“When we seek to discover the best in others,

we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.”

William Arthur Ward

Today may as well be called Prom pre-prep day. After school I have a massage and I'm going with one of my best friends to get a pedicure. I guess it's exciting. After that I'm heading up to Altoona to help my aunt and uncle prepare for the yard sale tomorrow for the Zack Hinish Foundation. I'm excited to see them and see how much was donated for the cause.

Heidi Montag

"The way I see it, if you want a rainbow

you have to put up with the rain."

Yesterday after school I spent my entire afternoon/night doing things in preparation for the prom.

First it was nail time. I got fake nails and they are kind of strange to have on. I have always had the awful habit of biting my nails, therefore I have never really had nails longer than my fingrtips. What a strange feelings.

After that was hair time. My mothersaid my hair was too dark and needed a highlight so I said whatever and went and got it done. I didn't really care either way. It took over two hours for the highlight and cut and I don't even like it. It looks so strange. The weirdest and most unnatural color ever. Hopefully a few washes will fade the color. Fortunately hair grows so I will not be stuck with this color forever.

Finally after that I was done. I got to come home. Yay!

I left at 3:30 and got home a little after 9. What a day.

It made me think about the growing obsession with outward appearance. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy dressing up and looking nice, but I think that this craze is starting to get out of control. There is a fine line between what is normal and what is excessive. One person who crossed the line: Heidi Montag. I always see magazines with headlines announcing the thirteen surgeries she has had to look a certain way. It is sad that she feels ugly without the surgery. It makes me think that she has some major insecurity problems. Personally, I think that these proceedures are probably not helping with the problem and until she deals with the deeper issues, she will not be happy. I hope she can pull it together before its too late.

My job for us all: Stop obsessing over outward appearance. Try to spend less time primping, and more time enjoying life!

light switch

"Things turn out best

for those who make the best

of the way things turn out."

Jack Buck

It has been a long day. Not the best day but I know that tomorrow will be better. As usual I'm in bed listening to the soundtrack to Pride and Prejudice on my ipod trying to fall asleep. No luck yet. This has been happening lately. I stay up listening to this music just thinking. About EVERYTHING and I can not fall asleep until I come to some sort of resolve in my head about everything that is bothering me. Why can't I just turn a light switch to off for my brain so that I stop staying up half the night thinking. Okay so its really not that awful, but a good night's sleep would be nice!

"Don't compromise yourself. It's all you've got."

Janis Joplin

Its the last month of high school. Wow. More than anything, the end of this chapter of my life has made me think about all of the changes through high school. Friendships were broken, new relationships were formed, and new behavior appeared in many unexpected places.

For myself, high school has been a good experience, but I do think back and feel sad about several things. Many of my closest friends started drinking and partying. That choice really has broken many of my friendships that I thought were solid. Its sad to see someone I care about choose such things that are so harmful. It is almost as though they decided fun doesn't exist without being under the influence of something. Its sad because I believe the exact opposite.

With us all going to college, change is inevitable. I hope that people do not sacrifice their morals to fit in with certain people they meet. There are so many different groups to get involoved with, and there will be one for any interest you have. Try new things, but don't change yourself for others. Change yourself for improvement and for youself.

My job my us all: Try new things but don't compromise youself because of someone else.

Advice

It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.

Francois De La Rochefoucauld

This is so true. When my friends come to me with problems I can usually come up with a solution quickly. You see the problem without being involved. You see what they should do, but the other person has feelings involved which makes it much harder.

I love giving advice and most of the time I think I'm pretty good at it too. When it comes to taking advice though, I'm terrible. I see what they mean but I want to do it another way (which is usually the wrong way). Its a tough situation but next time you think to yourself "why did she do that and not listen to my advice" remember the quote above.

Jane Eyre

This is the book I am working on right now. I actually read half of the book back in November, but lost the book when I moved with my mother. After a trip to the library, I am now working on it again. Because it has been so long, I had to start from the beginning. Here is a kind of long summary of the book .

Jane Eyre is a coming-of-age novel, which recounts the first nineteen years of the character of Jane Eyre.

Jane Eyre is a young girl, orphaned as a baby; both her mother and father die together from a type of fever. Jane goes to live with her cruel Aunt Reed, who only takes her in as the result of a promise to her husband on his deathbed. Mrs. Reed does not treat Jane so very well, and her son often beats and verbally abuses her. Jane grows up for many years very unhappy-an overly mature, sad, sallow and un-childlike child. Finally it is too much for Mrs. Reed. Jane is sent to Lowood Institution, a charitable, cheap and strictly kept school for clergyman's daughters. Jane attends this school for over eight years; after a couple years, the standard of living at the school is improved. Jane makes the friends of Helen Burns, and Ms. Temple, a teacher, while she is there. These two individuals greatly affect Jane's personality and character, especially related to personal philosophy, religion, and treatment of others.

Jane spends the last few years at Lowood as a teacher. Miss Temple finally marries, and Jane places an advertisement for a position as a governess in the local paper. Soon she is contacted by a Mrs. Fairfax, about the position of governess in Millcote, -shire, for a young single girl. Jane gets leave from Lowood and journeys to Millcote to take the position. There she begins as governess for Adèle Varens, a young French girl, and ward of the master of Thornfield Hall, Mr. Rochester. Thornfield Hall is where Jane lives, now. Jane begins to spend much time with Rochester; they grow a great friendship and affection for each other. Jane begins to realize she is falling in love with Mr. Rochester. Simultaneous to this, it appears that Rochester is courting the hand of Blanche Ingram, in hopes of marrying her. This turns out to simply be a ploy by Rochester to make Jane jealous, and increase her love for him.

Jane goes home for her aunt's death for several weeks. She returns to Thornfield Hall, to find Mr. Rochester greatly missing her. During her time at the house, she has noticed the presence of a madwoman in the attic, presumably, Grace Poole. In the middle of the night, this woman tries to light Rochester's bed on fire. Jane wakes, smells the smoke, and saves him. This happens before she leaves for her aunt's funeral. When Jane returns, Rochester finally tells her of his love for her. They become engaged. The ceremony approaches, and as it comes closer and closer, Rochester becomes more and more arrogant. Jane declares she will still work once they are married-she will only be his equal. Their relationship becomes off-balance. On the day of the marriage ceremony, the rite is broken up by the entrance of Mr. Mason and Mr. Briggs. Here they reveal that Rochester has been previously married. The madwoman in his attic, is Bertha Mason, his first wife. The marriage doesn't go through; Jane sees Bertha, feels numb, sad, and realizes she cannot marry Rochester out of wedlock, for fear of inequality in their relationship.

Jane flees Thornfield, and arrives at Whitcross. She is destitute, begs and is near death almost for three days, until she comes upon a house, whose members take her in and care for her. She stays there for many days. She wakes and tells them most of her story. She develops a great friendship with Diana, Mary and St. John Rivers, who is a pastor, and are inhabitants of the house. Within good time, St. John finds Jane work as the teacher of a village-school for peasant girls in that town, Morton. Jane takes the job. Soon she finds through St. John that she has been left a fortune of twenty-thousand pounds by her uncle in Madeira, who had died. She also finds out that St. John, Mary and Diana are her cousins; her uncle is also their uncle with whom their father had once had a terrible quarrel. Thus they were left no inheritance. Jane immediately divides her fortune equally between the four of them, and vacates the school position.

Jane goes to live at Moor House with her cousins. They are happy for a while, and St. John begins to teach Jane Hindostanee. Jane finds him intelligent and greatly admires him, but nevertheless is inwardly wary of his cold power over her. Finally he asks her to marry him, for the "service of God" to become a missionary with him in India. Jane is torn, but knows she could never have a kind and warm, loving relationship with St. John that way as a husband. She tells him so, but he will not take her unless she is his wife. She refuses him. At this time, she hears a sudden spectre of Rochester's voice calling her from the near garden. She takes it as a sign, and the next day leaves from Whitcross in a coach to see what has happened to Rochester.

Jane arrives in Millcote after a day and a half. She finds out and sees that Thornfield Hall is a ruin; it burned down last fall from a fire Bertha Mason started. During the fire, Bertha killed herself from jumping from the battlements; Rochester was blinded and lost one of his arms from falling timber, when helping servants out of the house. He turned to depression and utter isolation after her disappearance. Now he lives with two servants, John and Mary, at Ferndean Manor, thirty miles away. Jane journeys there that night, sees Rochester and makes herself known to him. He almost does not believe it is her, but finally is convinced, and blesses the Lord for returning Jane to him. He is utterly happy, and so is she, and despite his blindness and being a cripple, she accepts his hand in marriage. They marry three days later. Jane brings Adèle to a closer school and makes frequent visits. Mary and Diana marry and see her on a regular basis. St. John goes off to India. Jane gives birth to one baby boy of Rochester's. The novel ends with Jane telling us that she has been married to Rochester for ten years; she is happier than she could ever be, because they love each other so much, they are each other's better half and never tire of each other. They are perfectly suited for each other, and Jane is happy spending her life loving and helping Rochester, being his prop.

Create Something

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life.

They seem half-asleep,

even when they're busy doing things

they think are important.

This is because they're chasing the wrong things.

The way you get meaning into your life is

to devote yourself to loving others,

devote yourself to your community around you,

and devote yourself

to creating something

that gives you purpose and meaning."

Morrie Schwartz

I stumbled across this quote yesterday. I think it gives a great message. So many people go through life "asleep", basically just going through the motions. I think its important to make something of your life and enjoy each day for all of the bad and good moments.

Personally, today I do not want to see the good in anything. Why? I have no idea. Everything seems to just be disappointing me. I think a change of attitude is what I need. But hey, at least graduation is in exactly a month. Thats something to be happy about!

Where are you Friday?

"The most important thing in life

is to learn how to give out love,

and to let it come in.”

Morrie Schwartz

Oh Friday I wish you were here. I'm sick of school and I am excited for my massage on Friday. But not really for prom Saturday... Oh well. I'm sure it will be fun (more fun than last year at least). Prom last year was a hot mess. I just hope there is no drama this year like there was at last year's.

Stay With Me

Stay With Me by Colbie Calliet is easily becoming one of my new favorite songs. Many would probably say its "mushy" but I really like it. I think its sweet and just a great song to listen to; nothing harsh about it and just real calm. Its the kind of feelings I want to have. Nothing rushed and very sweet and comforting. What else do you need.

It also brings up another topic. Finding a person to spend your life with. I can't imagine that in a few years my friends and I could potentially be engaged or married. It is all too crazy to think about. But I hope I find the right person without the mess that divorce can cause.


We simply fit together like a piece of apple pie,
I will be vanilla ice cream and I'll sing you lullabies,
I will love you in the moonlight and I'll love you in the day, always.

I love the time we spend, like a watch from an old friend,
I will help you keep your smile, promise me you'll stay a while,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can.

Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.

We always joke together after we're rolling on the floor.
I like the way you dance around when you're running for the door.
I will come to visit you even when we're old and gray, always.
I love the way you make me feel, when you're asleep I'll take the wheel,
Make sure to call when you get home, when you're driving on the road.

I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, when I can, so..

Stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.

I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
I will come to you in need and I'll help you when I can, I will help you when I can,
Always,

So stay with me, promise me you're never gonna leave,
Stay with me, let's try to be the best that we can be,
and take our time.